This is a crash course on how non-attachment doesn’t mean getting rid of desire. Since you’re reading this, I’m assuming that you’ve already come across the idea of being too attached. “You shouldn’t be so attached!” an inner or outer voice will judgementally proclaim.

And many people have now heard of the idea of non-attachment - especially when it comes to desired outcomes.

But won’t cultivating non-attachment mean that you have to give up your passion? Isn’t desire what drives life? Can you still get things done? Can it even be sustained day to day? I’ll unpack the answer these questions later in this article. But first we need to lay a foundation.

A Loss In Translation

A lot of the ideas around non-attachment come from Eastern perspectives that have recently been imported into Western culture. There is probably something of a loss in translation.

Unfortunately, being detached has become quite synonymous with “spiritual bypassing” or avoiding the world. Or even worse, being overly rigid and unfeeling. In other words, mistakenly thinking that desire must be eliminated. Without desire, there is no life. More on this later.

The practice of non-attachment (surrender, letting go, temperance are other similar words pointing at the same) has traditionally been a part of Western & Christian culture too. 

But surrender is also misunderstood by so many. It’s seen as being a passive reaction to giving up in the face of challenges. This is NOT what it means. 

Have You Experienced Non-Attachment?

Actual non-attachment doesn’t occur in the intellectual domain. It’s more like an expanded state of consciousness - which in truth cannot be put into words. You know, when the veil lifts and you suddenly feel love for everyone and everything? Or you feel at a very deep level how all is One and your sense of separation melts?

When you feel this oneness with Life you don’t feel like you need anything. You realize that you are already whole and complete. This is closer to the idea of non-attachment. 

Not everyone has had - or pays attention to - these inner experiences, of course (I’ve actually had them many times while shopping at Costco, believe it or not!). And some people have had them, noticed them, but written them off as unimportant in the scheme of things. Overall however, more and more people seem to be having spiritual “awakening” experiences these days. 

Note: still probably quite a small percentage of the general population.

I Made This Subtle Mistake With Non-Attachment 

In the past, I would make this mistake. Even though I’d been serious about the work of letting go for many years, I always had a few important goals that I was passionately pursuing.

But I still had some underlying conflict about having these desires. As if it was somehow wrong. Unspiritual. Especially when it came to dealing with money. 

I’m past that stage of my growth now - but it was an interesting few chapters in the arc of my spiritual understanding.

If you’re having any guilt about what it is that you want in worldly ways, the key is to start being aware of it. Don’t judge. Simply watch it in action when it happens. And remember, whatever it is, even that is part of the One Life unfolding.

The Irony…

It’s ironic because this guilt or aversion to worldly desires is ultimately something to let go of! Letting go is a better way of describing non-attachment that I much prefer. Maybe because it’s more action oriented.

And I think that letting go more accurately describes how to enter that expanded state where you’re not super attached to the outcome, but you still have the fire for creating it.

Remember, if all is One Life, then the world and Spirit are not separate. But our minds fragment experience in order to grasp it. Figure it out. Nothing wrong with that - no more than having reflexes in our muscles. We just need to understand how to work with it.

5 Steps To Creating What You Want In Life Without Forcing It

Non-attachment and letting go of desired outcomes are the fundamental skills required when it comes to creating more of what you want in life. Although books could be (and are!) written about all that’s involved, I want to keep things simple for his crash course. So here’s a brief outline of the creative process:

By focusing on the process and allowing the results to take care of themselves. In other words, non-attachment from the outcome.

Trusting in The Universe (The Power That Knows The Way, The One, Life, etc.) becomes much easier with practice and more frequent dips into expanded awareness.

When you first start this practice of surrender, you may still have many layers of the desire to want to control things. If this is the case, allow it. It too, is part of the Flow of The One Life! Every time you do this, layers of conditioned limits stored in body-mind will dissolve. 

The traditional Magician card from tarot illustrates the harmony between non-attachment and desire perfectly. 

 He is pointing up to heaven to show his connection with Divine Intelligence and he’s wearing a red robe to symbolize his passion and desire. Desire is necessary to manifest and create or co-create. It’s how you channel the energy behind desire that counts.

Sustaining Non-Attachment In Day To Day Life

You’re probably already well aware that the thoughts in your head are non-stop! And if you take a moment right now to watch them, you’ll notice that the first thing is you believe those voices to be you.

If you deepen your attention just a bit longer while observing, you’ll suddenly see that they aren’t you - they are just thoughts!

If you take a minute more, you’ll even begin to realize that these thoughts are just happening automatically. They seem to work through random association.

However, you’ve probably noticed that you can direct your thoughts on purpose. If you choose to think about something right now, you probably can. 

Note: Freewill is a huge debate among philosophers and mystics. And I have some ideas of my own. But let's just keep our conversation simple and down to earth.

How long you can sustain focus with that is something else. But please don’t force this. It’s not healthy for your mind. Allow your mind to roam. While it does, you remain present as the space in and upon which the thoughts rise and fall.

As you identify more with the space-intelligence (or Awareness or Beingness) as opposed to the thoughts, you are gaining inner strength and spiritual power.

This is what is meant by non-attachment. It’s not being attached to thought. Ultimately, it’s not being identified with the thought based sense of self. This can be practiced - but also occurs spontaneously through grace.

Won’t Being Non-Attached Make Me Passive? Without Passion?

This is a very common and important question!

Because if you don’t care about the outcome and nothing bothers you anymore, where will you get your motivation to change anything from?

This brings us to…

Paradox Is Divine

Ah! Divine Paradox. Life is One BUT there appears to be a multitude of individual creatures and creations. Paradox is also involved with non-attachment or letting go.

What many of us do when we first hear about being detached is to try and control ourselves in some way. 

This is just another form of suppression.

We think we shouldn’t want what we want. Maybe this isn’t consciously recognized, but it’s a subconscious belief for many of us on this planet. 

This is usually accompanied by guilt or a fear of risk and failure.

This isn’t letting go. This is NOT what was meant by the masters who talked about non-attachment as a virtue.

The Secret Of Non-Attachment & Desire

The secret of non-attachment is inner freedom. It’s actual freedom. Not something that is imposed upon the mind by the mind. Again, that is suppression. Not healthy or good for you.

So HOW do you do this? By letting go. Letting go is making the choice to surrender the outcome. To surrender even your desire. How can this possibly work?

Remember paradox? By letting go of holding on to the desire as if it were something solid, you free up a tremendous amount of energy.

You see, desire is always in motion. This is represented in Tarot by the Fool which says that everything is always beginning. Each apparent moment. 

So visualize what you want. Allow for any resistance that comes up such as “I can’t have this” or “who am I to have this” etc. Allowing is the same thing as letting go. Allowing means not trying to fix or change anything. 

And then surrender the outcome to your version of Higher Power. 

Of course, you need to have a felt connection with Higher Power or God/Goddess/All That Is in order to be effective. This can take practice - but what else should we do while here on earth besides align with the Divine in order to co-create a better world?

Attachment And Aversion

You know all about attachment. But did you realize that aversions are just the opposite end of the stick?

An aversion is something you do everything in your power to avoid. That’s just another attachment or form of wanting to control the Flow of Life when it’s already happening.

Now, it’s natural to avoid pain and to want pleasure. But where we get into trouble is when these thought patterns crystallize and distort our pleasure and bring us more pain!

Or we always default to instant pleasure instead of consistently pursuing a longer term goal. The amazing thing is that you can let go of these thought patterns and beliefs that no longer serve you.

That’s what most spiritual or magical practices are aiming at with whatever rituals or meditations are involved. But why not simply go straight there? Why not choose to let go directly?

The Power of Letting Go

When you let go you are free. You don’t have to believe in anything. You don’t have to beat yourself up because you’re not living up to a standard you or someone else told you you need to.

You don’t have to cut yourself off from any parts of yourself because you think you should be a “saint.” You don’t have to do any harsh ascetic practices (unless you want to and you enjoy that kind of thing!)

You don’t have to feel guilty for falling. In fact, if you do feel guilty, you can just let that go!

When you let go you are free to be yourself. You can want what you want. You can take action toward you dreams without feeling guilty. 

As you do this, you will come into alignment with your true desires because you’ll accomplish some desires and others you won’t. This is a basic condition of Life here. You win some and lose some.

Other desires or dreams will change and you’ll realize you no longer want them.

There Is One Life

If you sense, or even intellectually understand, that there is One Life manifesting as the many, then that’s all you need to know.

Because even if you have an experience that’s not playing out how you want, or a heavy challenge, you can consider the possibility that even this negative emotion or challenging experience is part of the One Life unfolding.

This can really help with not beating yourself up or suffering any more than you already are. 

And when you’ve deepened your felt and intuited connection to the One Life, you’ll find meaning in any suffering. And suffering stops being suffering the moment we can find meaning in it.

You may even begin to realize that the sunshine is always there behind the “negative thoughts clouds” whenever you need it!

Non-Attachment & Desire: Key Takeaways

1. Non-attachment is not an intellectual understanding. It comes from the heart when thoughts are quieter and we have a felt connection to all life in the moment.

2. Desire is absolutely necessary to create in life! When we are in the moment with the process of creating, the energy of desire is naturally channeled to its most effective use. It’s aligned with who we truly are.

3. When our desire is blocked from flowing naturally, it drains our energy for effective action.

4. Think of a time that you did something really well. How it seemed to just flow. There may even have been a tremendous amount of effort involved, but there was no strain.

8 of swords from Ciro Marchetti's Gilded Tarot Royale illustrates limiting beliefs. See how she could walk away free?

Do you want to know how to let go of negative beliefs? Because anyone who says that all you have to do is repeat a few affirmations, is lying. It’s real work, not for the faint of heart. I've been passionately doing this work since 1997; and although I'm still a work in progress, my life is so much better in every area that matters to me.

There is more conversation about letting go of negative thoughts and limiting beliefs these days. Makes sense. We all have limiting beliefs and negative thoughts!

A few examples are “I can’t have what I want” or “I’m not good enough” or “It’s not ok to be angry” or “I’m not capable.” A few more specific ones are “I’m not a good singer” or “I’m not good at math.”

A few more: “money is the root of all evil” or “if I have money I’m taking it away from people who need it” or “all the good ones are taken.” 

Everyone knows that these negative stories come from childhood training - parents, teachers, society at large. (As well as these influences, I personally see them as coming from past lives - or DNA if you prefer). But what most of us don't know is how to be free of them.

Note: To me, our past includes our entire life up until a split second ago. We are always conditioning ourselves in life whether we realize it or not.

Limiting Beliefs Damage Relationships

Relationships are super easy to see limiting beliefs in action because you usually get immediate feedback! This is also why intimate relationships are one of the most challenging areas for most people.

Relationships are, in my opinion, one of the highest forms of “yoga” or spiritual and personal growth courses available here on planet earth.

And if there were absolutely no challenges in an intimate relationship? It would be seriously dry and flat!

I Am Not Worthy

One of the most universal limiting beliefs in all areas of life is “I am not worthy.”  This hidden belief causes us to protect our hearts when we actually need to risk them. And when we believe we are risking our hearts, we’re actually expecting someone to give us our worthiness. 

To tell us they approve of us. But sometimes they disapprove of us…

This often leads to relationships with the “wrong” people. Although they might even be the right person if we use the relationship as a vehicle to learn more about ourselves.

Misconceptions, Distortions and Rose Coloured Glasses

Misconceptions are filters we use to layer personal meaning onto our lives.

If we have a limiting belief that we are unlovable and need someone to give us love in order to feel worthy, that’s a misconception. 

This is just another way of saying it’s a limiting belief. And it stirs up negativity within us which actually blocks us from manifesting more of what we want.

Limiting Beliefs Undermine Money and Career

I’m sure you can see how a belief like “I am not worthy” would influence your ability in the areas of creating a fulfilling career for yourself.

But there is actually an even deeper operating program underneath the limiting belief “I am not worthy” that I work on with my 1:1 clients. 

It’s the desire for approval or avoiding disapproval.

And it’s very easy to let go of once you understand how.

The Simple Secret To Slaying Limiting Beliefs...

The Ego Enjoys Limiting Beliefs

The Hamster Wheel of Suppression and Expression 

Bring to mind something from your life that makes you feel angry or frustrated. It doesn’t have to be a major life issue - just something from daily life will do.

When you look at it, can you see how you believe you only have 2 options?

1. you can push it down and try to ignore it or hold it back (suppression)

2. you can express it

We all know what happens with this cycle… 

Some say it’s the reptilian brain. Maybe it is from that perspective. But it doesn’t matter how we model our understanding of it. It’s our conditioning and inheritance.

It’s in our language. Hot and cold. Up and down. In and out. Short and tall. Everything is polarized in language and language shapes our minds.

This is necessary of course. So that we know that a bus is not a car. A dog is not a horse.

Are You Making The Choices Or Is It Knee Jerk Reactions?

When we hold feelings in for long enough they eventually boil over and explode. Maybe on a person. Maybe we sabotage our life in some way. Addictions. Or maybe it begins to take a toll on our health.

When we express our negativity at every knee jerk reaction, we begin to condition ourselves that way. We are no longer an individual with freewill to choose our response to a situation or circumstance.

Instead of using our minds, our minds are using us.

But there’s a 3rd option to suppressing/expressing… 

The Difference Between Letting Go & Suppression

Letting go is seeing through whatever limiting belief or negative feeling is appearing in awareness at that moment.

By seeing through it, I mean that we see how the feelings we’re currently experiencing or stories we’re telling ourselves are false. A lie.

In order to see through to our underlying motives, we first need to face our feelings. We need to acknowledge the truth of them. With suppression, it's different. As soon as we feel the discomfort of the negativity, we push the feeling down. 

With suppression, for example, we can even act as if we are kind; but our inner currents are not feeling kind at all. When we do this enough, we create another habitual trap for ourselves.

For example, rage tells us that we can get what we want through force and control. And what do we want in this case? 

We want the person to behave in a certain way so that we can love them! Or we want the situation to change NOW!

But by forcing and controlling them we just push them away - even if we get the superficial result we wanted.

With a circumstance that we want to change, when we let go of all the energy we’re using to resist Life, we have enthusiasm, courage, strength, patience, intelligence, devotion, peace and a clear head at our disposal.

When we let go, we are free to choose how to express ourselves. We can still ask for what we want without a ton of emotional charge.

In my experience and those of many of my clients, this usually gets us what we want with more ease and less stress.

And even if we don’t get what we want (which has been known to happen in Life - Lol), we don’t take it personally. This conserves energy to continue persevering if we choose. Or to make a courageous choice to pivot in a different direction.

Drumroll…The Secret of Letting Go of Limiting Beliefs Revealed!

Ready? Before I get to it, I must tell you that I already revealed the secret to dealing with limiting beliefs above. But it's so simple in theory, that many people refuse to accept it. 

Instead, they either look for a shortcut or something complicated. But just like in other areas of life, you need to be willing to pay the price for what you want. 

You have to want to be free of it. Not as wishful thinking. But as a deep gut felt desire. You have to be so fed up and sick of it. 

The “you” who you think you are - the images, stories, memories and beliefs - has to be willing to die.

Don’t worry! You won’t. 

Your ego will continue to exist as long as you’re in human form. Contrary to myth, you cannot eliminate ego. The one who wants to eliminate it IS ego.

Not only that, but ego is here to help us in the world of form. Even though you ultimately are not your name, rank and serial number, you need to know those things in order to function here.

Letting Go Is Spiritual Enlightenment In The Now Moment

Oh the fairytale of spiritual enlightenment! Where you can ride off into the sunset and never have to feel any pain or loss ever again. Like a superhero, bullets will bounce off your chest. You've made it. 

I’m making fun, but in fact, this IS kind of true. Many seek spiritual enlightenment for this reason. They are looking in the wrong direction - no matter how much they meditate or retreat from the world. 

Life is dynamic and always changing. Spiritual enlightenment is something that grows and deepens and isn’t a straight line kind of experience without challenges. You can only be enlightened NOW.

As you grow in enlightenment, it's more like your contracted or negative states of mind don't gain a strong foothold - and even if they do, it's not for very long.

In my experience of spiritual awakening it just gets easier to choose courage and love over self imposed suffering. Kind of like playing a musical instrument gets easier - but you'll never be "perfect."

When you develop more skill with letting go of limiting beliefs and stories, life does greatly improve. Sometimes your circumstances will even improve without you seeming to do much about it!

Sometimes life gets better just because you’re able to enjoy the experience of being alive to a much greater degree - because there’s not a swarm of nagging fears and “what ifs” swarming around you.

The main thing is, the formless Intelligence-Energy that you are beyond this body/mind experience is now in the driver’s seat. Ego is no longer controlling the show.

Sure, ego might be a backseat driver at times - but you now know how to ignore it!  At least you’re getting better at it.

3 Takeaways: The Truth About Letting Go Of Limiting Beliefs And Negative Thoughts

1. You need to really want it! Otherwise, you won’t even remember it as an alternative option when you feel upset, negative or you want to just give up in the middle of a project, etc.

2. You need a reliable technique that gets to the root of your underlying motivations.

3. Because you have an active and busy lifestyle, you need a method that uses the challenges and circumstances of your life to help you grow.

Related Reading:

Tarot Cards from The Light Seers Tarot by Chris-Anne

What many people don’t realize about spiritual awakening is that it’s not necessarily full of dramatic signs from the heavens or dazzling visions. That’s not to say that strange things don’t happen. They do.

Many people think spiritual development has something to do with magical and psychic powers or “siddis” - but these gifts actually have very little to do with actual spiritual development.

Here's my list (it's by no means the definitive list!) that to me, definitely signify real spiritual growth.

1. Certain things that you used to always get upset over no longer seem to have as much power.

Maybe it’s the proverbial toothpaste cap being left off. Maybe it’s the car that cuts you off in traffic. Maybe it’s the craziness in the news media.

Whatever it is, it just doesn’t seem to have the same power over you. It no longer triggers your frustration or irritation. This doesn’t have to be limited to feelings like frustration or anger, either. It could be a pattern with sadness or giving up hope too easily.

Again, these same situations now occur and they no longer phase you to the same degree. You may not like the situations themselves, but you’re more at peace with it.

This has nothing to do with having a “stiff upper lip” about it. The lack of reaction is actually effortless. It’s not about suppression. On some level, when you see those feelings arising, you see how dangerous they are to your inner peace. You simply don’t want to give up your inner peace anymore.

2. There are stretches of “time” where you notice your thinking is quiet but you are still very aware.

Actually, you are aware of being aware.

One of the major signs of spiritually awakening is a quieting of thoughts. More stillness. There is a timeless sense (which is why I put quotes on the word time above).

Practices such as formal meditation can help facilitate this, but there are many examples of people awakening without having engaged in any formal meditation.

Formal meditation or quiet walks can make it easier to notice stillness in the beginning. But eventually you begin to notice stillness even in the midst of an intense confrontation.

Many people have written about the flow state from a psychological perspective. This idea was first expressed by positive psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. This is a state where a person engages in an activity such as sports or art or something else that absorbes their attention completely. They are ultra aware and seem to know what’s going to happen next.

I personally have experienced this many times while performing music. This is what musicians are truly aiming for. To forget their “little self” and to soar.

What we are discussing here however, is being "aware of being aware" in all areas of your life. No matter what you are engaged in, there is an awareness of being aware while you do the action. Some call this the witnessing state.

In flow states, it’s my understanding that people tend to require a certain activity to fall into it. 

With spiritual awakening, you could have gaps in thought while waiting in line at the bank or doing mundane chores around the house. You could be silent within while listening to someone speak to you - instead of thinking of something else or how you might respond. The particular activity doesn't matter. The sense of being separate is softened (or even completely transcended) regardless.

3. You have a deeper appreciation of nature.

Perhaps you’ve always appreciated nature. But now you see a deeper dimension that shines through it. 

It’s especially easy to see with flowers and trees.

The colours seem to be deeper and more vibrant and you can sense the life vibrating and humming in all that you see.

This is also connected with having a quieter mind, of course. Having a quieter mind allows you to observe nature without the usual sense of separation and being in nature also makes it easier to quiet your mind.

4. You notice more synchronistic events.

You’re not consciously looking for synchronicity, but it suddenly jumps out at you in very obvious ways.

In the past, perhaps you deliberately looked for signs and symbols. And even if you saw them, your busy thinking mind would create doubts about what you’d seen.

There's a phenomenon called the "frequency illusion." Say you're thinking of buying a red car. Suddenly, you begin to notice red cars everywhere when you hadn't noticed them much previously.

However when you are spiritually awakening, these events show up when they’re meant to without any effort on your part to make them happen.

These synchronicities help support your connection with all of Life as you can sense it on a level that is beyond the thinking mind. You no longer feel like a passive bystander. You feel more like a co-creator with all of Life.

Now you face challenges with a deep sense of peace always there. It may not be front and centre all the time! But it’s there nonetheless giving you a sense of courage and strength to do what you can and to let go of the rest.

Sometimes it seems as if you are making a conscious choice to remember to choose peace in the middle of some chaotic situation and other times it will be effortless.

Those times that you do feel as if you are choosing peace is actually because you are connected to higher states of consciousness. The separate sense of self never willingly chooses peace.

7. You no longer buy into as many of your negative feelings and thoughts.

Ok, this one dovetails with number 1. But I felt that it deserved it’s own little spotlight. We are all prone to negative feelings and thoughts.

These thoughts occur on the unconscious or subconscious level. Both these words mean the same thing here.

Subconscious thoughts are simply those thoughts which you are not aware of.

When things happen in your life that trigger a strong reaction in you, this is an opportunity to become aware of your subconscious thoughts.

When you are feeling fine and are not triggered, your subconscious thoughts are lying dormant in your subconscious.

The main thing to realize is that when your negative subconscious thoughts and feelings are triggered, it’s an opportunity to be conscious of them.

Being conscious of them means that you have a bit of distance from them. They aren’t completely taking over your body and mind.

You see through them to a greater degree because there's a bit of distance. You have the experience that you are not them - you are the spacious awareness upon which they are projected.

They may still have a very strong energetic pull, but you refuse to be pulled in by them.

And this is a beautiful snowball effect. The more you can let go of wanting to believe negative thoughts and feelings, the more you want to let go of wanting to believe them!

This is because you begin to feel better and better. Your low points begin to be even higher than your previous high points.

8. Your relationships generally improve although some outdated ones will fall away.

This one almost goes without saying. Do you enjoy being around people who complain or express negative feelings a lot? Or the type of person who always needs to be right in any discussion? 

When you’ve begun to spiritually awaken, you’re a much easier person to be around. You create and get involved in less drama.

People who are meant to stay on your path with whom you are in a relationship of some kind will probably want to be around you. They’ll stay and your connection will be even easier. The ones who want to feed on pain or drama will either upgrade and stay - or leave your life.

It’s actually pretty cool to see someone raise their consciousness when you’ve raised yours. You don’t  have to try to change them or fix them. If you do, you know that you’ve fallen back into ego.

You’re willing to allow people to be the way that they are. It doesn’t mean you never try to sell them on your ideas. And if you do, you’re ok if they don’t want to listen. You don’t force it.

But you will be amazed at how often people will come around! Not always, of course. But it’s definitely been a form of miracle that I’ve witnessed many times in my own experience.

And, don't worry. If they don't upgrade their consciousness, they probably won't stick around. If they do, you will find a way to keep them at a distance. At the very least, if it seems you have no choice but to have them in your life to some degree, they will no longer be able to trigger you as easily.

9. You no longer expect the world to make you happy.

There’s a classic song from country music by Johnny Lee called “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places.”

Regardless if you’re familiar with the song or not, it sums up beautifully the fundamental mistake people are making prior to spiritually awakening.

Before spiritual awareness, we’re thinking that something in the world will make us happy. A new car. A new job. A certain goal. A certain relationship. More money. More fame. A promotion. A new house. We run around endlessly trying to make these things happen believing that they are the source of our happiness.

But what we find is that even when we get the things we wanted, once we’ve had them for a while, the shine starts to wear off. That’s because nothing in the world has the power to make you happy. Any happiness you ever feel comes from within.

Sure, it’s seems easier to be happy when things are going our way. But is that really true?

Think of those times in your life when just seeing your child laugh or a pet stretch and yawn or a beautiful sunset allowed happiness to spontaneously burst through!

And look at so many who are rich and famous and seem to have everything that’s supposed to make you happy who are not truly happy at all.

I’ll admit that it’s definitely easier to enjoy life when things are running smoothly. But the fact that things are running smoothly is not the source of any happiness or inner peace. The fact that things are running smoothly sometimes allows our egos to relax a bit so that the happiness and joy that are at our core can shine through.

I want to make it clear. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having or being or doing what you want! By all means, enjoy it! Go for it!

Just don’t lose yourself in it and forget that the source of happiness is from within. It has no form. You cannot see it or touch it. You can only feel it from within.

Next time you notice that you feel happy, check to find out where it’s actually coming from. Is it coming from that person, place or thing? Or is it originating with you?

10. You have an inner sense that death is not the end.

Further Reading:

Gilded Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

Why is there pain and suffering in life? At some point, most people will ask this question. It’s one of the “big questions” about life that truly matter. And depending upon their conclusions, it will influence their fundamental approach to life. 

Some people think to themselves that if there were a loving God, why would this Source of Life allow so much suffering and pain?

I’m not going to get into religious answers to this as I’m not a trained theologian nor am I an “apologist.” I'm also not a trained medical or health care worker - it goes without saying that there are times when someone's mental or physical health needs some kind of support. 

For lack of a better word, I’m a mystic. Not the kind who is on the "narrow path" of being a monk, but a person who is living in the world with a mystical perspective. 

The other day in a livestream on Instagram, one of my followers actually asked me "why is there so much pain and suffering in life?". I don’t remember exactly what I said, but that's what spawned this this article. I outline 6 fundamental reasons why I think we suffer. 

Just to clarify, this list is based upon my own experience but also the testimony of many wise people through the ages. It is not meant to be any kind of ultimate Truth. That can only be found in Silence when the veils of conditioning suddenly drop and you see clearly with own your inner vision.

Is It Possible To Be Free Of  Suffering In Life?

And finally, at the end of this article, I'll discuss whether it's possible to be free of suffering. This is a question the renowned 20th century spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti would often ask. 

6 Reasons Why There's Pain And Suffering...

1. You're Out of Alignment With The Totality of Life 

This is not a moral judgment. This can happen to anyone - even a mystic. The mask or conditioned self has taken over your consciousness. Since this "egoic" self is constructed from limited concepts, it cannot bear to face the unknown because doing so would mean its demise.

So in reaction to this, it seeks to control its experience of life. When things go along according to its desires, it's temporarily happy. When they don't, it is miserable and it resists Life. This is what I mean by being out of alignment.

In the east, being aligned with the Totality of Life is called yoga or union. In yoga, the human is united with the Divine. It is illustrated beautifully in the Temperance card in Tarot where the opposites of fire and water unite in a kind of Divine synthesis.

In the west, this is often called surrender. Surrender is NOT passive, but a dynamic "flexibility" and emotional acceptance of what is.

In ordinary daily life, we use phrases such as “I was out of sync” or “I wasn’t in the flow.”

These phrases are acknowledging the insight that there is a vast Intelligence-Energy or Ground of Being which gives us life. We need to connect with this Intelligence-Energy in order to stay on track.

Our egos think they know what's best for us. To recap, when things don’t go the way our ego wants, we suffer in some way.

2. Without Suffering, Would You Even Bother To Look For The Deeper Meaning In Life?

Pain and suffering can be a useful warning for when we are out of balance in some way. Usually this seems to be something that is beyond our control in the circumstances of our life.

Just to clarify, what I'm discussing in this article is emotional pain or psychological suffering. It seems to be beyond your control - but if you look closer, you’ll see that it was only something that you were previously not conscious of.

It was hiding in a blind spot. This is also where the infamous word “denial” comes in. Denial comes from pride. A sense that you already know and do not need to continue learning or modifying your behaviour in any way.

These emotional blind spots often create consequences in the world around us. An example could be when a lover or spouse suddenly leaves you.

It seems as if the breakup came out of the blue, but with any hindsight and self honesty - and time - you should be able to see that there were actually reasons.

Perhaps there was something you needed to learn. You don't need to figure it out with your head. The learning and understanding take place at a deeper level. You could say, in your heart.

It might even be as simple as that you “dodged a bullet” and the person wasn’t really the right person for you to commit to. You just didn’t see it at the time.

It could be that you enacted some negative behaviour that seriously damaged your emotional bond with the other person. You didn’t see it at the time because your behaviour is as close as the nose on your face.

But if you're honest, you can learn something from your suffering and vow not to repeat the same mistakes next time. 

If you suffered enough pain from the loss, you’ll have the motivation and fire to transform yourself. If you didn’t really suffer, you probably wouldn't bother to change.

Not only that, but how would empathy or compassion for the suffering of other humans, animals or even nature arise without having suffered yourself?

Temperance card from The Gilded Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

3. Your Own Mind Is The Cause Of Most Of Your Pain And Suffering

Umpteen thoughts go through our heads everyday. I think someone actually gave a specific number for this once. I don't know how they arrived at it?!! 

No matter! Umpteen is the number. These thoughts are mostly mechanical and repetitive. A few are creative and inspired - but this only happens if we have any space in between those thoughts.

The mind is basically a problem solving machine. It’s designed to try to codify and understand the parts that make up the whole.

But since it’s limited to concepts we learned from our parents, our culture and our own conclusions based upon limited evidence, it often comes up against “what is” in the present moment. 

Also, since the mind is designed to solve problems, it loves to chew on them! Like a dog on a bone. Not only that, but when there’s not a problem, the mind will zero in on something (or anything!) and create one so it has something to chew on.

Don’t believe me? Look at all the petty things you get upset over in your life. Everything from traffic, to someone not putting something away properly in your home, someone not complimenting you the way you wanted, etc.

Obviously not everything that happens is petty! Some things are tragic. Some things definitely need to be dealt with. 

But if you cannot let go of being irritated or upset by even petty daily things, how are you going to respond when you have bigger challenges?

In a nutshell, the purpose of this 3rd reason for pain and suffering is to discover that you have the power within you. This doesn't mean it's easy! It's a lifelong practice to be aware that the thoughts in your head are not you. 

4. Suffering Transforms You

Without having suffered any pain, you would have no depth. You'd have no access to the vertical axis - the Now moment. You would be 100% stuck on the horizontal surface level of life chasing after happiness and trying to avoid pain.

Winning some, losing some and completely at the mercy of these ups and downs. One day you might realize there was no real meaning in your life.

You wouldn’t have any understanding or compassion for others. Everything would be completely “me-centric.”

There’s nothing wrong with taking care of number one, of course - but “me, me, me” is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.

Nobody would have the ability to extend beyond themselves. Because only if you understand the complete and total significance of your own being and life, can you then extend this same understanding to others.

This poignant idea was expressed in the masterpiece The Meaning of Love by Vladimir Solovyov over 100 years ago:

So suffering in yourself is a starting point for the possibility of true compassion when you realize that someone other that yourself can also suffer.

5. Love (aka Freedom From Suffering) Is Like A Muscle

Please bear with me as I make this analogy. It’s not the absolute truth of course, but simply a way to more clearly illustrate.

Everyone has muscles whether they are an athlete or not. But obviously athletes use their muscles and train their muscles on a regular basis, whereas non-athletes are often hit and miss with exercise.

It’s the same with freedom from suffering. Everyone has this potential within themselves, but few people know how to consciously access it.

In this case, more people are probably like non-athletes unless they are passionate about being free from suffering.

It seems more people are becoming so, although it’s still a minority.

When you suffer or are “unhappy” in life, it can force you to look within to the cause. Usually we blame everything on circumstances outside of ourselves.

But this makes you a victim and completely disempowers you! It means you can’t do anything about it. Sometimes this is the case - but when we’re in our heads, we often try to force things when it’s s season to let go and allow.

We also give up and become discouraged too easily at other times when we might get a better result by persisting.

This doesn’t mean you have to like things! It simply means that you can face it and take some kind of responsibility for your reaction and your quality of consciousness.

This is a practice that takes passion and dedication. Much like the commitment it takes to build a muscle or transform your body through nutrition and exercise.

That’s why I said that developing this kind of awareness is like a muscle. Suffering can be a prod to spiritual growth and development. Especially once you begin to recognize that it's often self created.

The circumstances may not change (in my experience they often do!) but they no longer make you so miserable.

6. You Are Unlimited Beingness Experiencing Human Limitation

You are a human being. I've always thought this was a deep description. You are human on the relative level of space and time but you are also formless Being on the absolute dimension beyond form. 

Note: The wonderful spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti has a book with a clever title called Being Human.

This is sometimes like wearing shoes that are much too tight all day long. Your essential “I Am” nature - what you are beyond birth and death in the world of physical senses - is unlimited and infinite. 

However, here’s the catch. That unlimited infinity is the same as Being. It's formless and cannot be observed by the senses. This is because it is That "spaciousness" which is aware of any form. 

I like to call this the vertical axis. Some call it the Now.

However, there is potential expression in it that can only be actualized within limitation. The mirage of being a separate being in a world of multiplicity is then born.

Is it possible to realize your unlimited Being while being in localized and compressed form? Yes. Many people have experiences where the veil lifts and a sort of “all knowingness” seems to pervade ones being.

Psychologist, academic and mystic Steve Taylor calls these ISLES experiences. Here’s a link to an essay by him which is quite lengthy - but very well written if you’d like to explore a different way of expressing these “spiritual awakening” experiences: Steve Taylor Exploring Awakening Experiences

And although practices such as “being in the present moment” can help with these types of realizations, it’s kind of a paradox when they do happen (at least in my experience). To me, they seem more like a gift of Grace. I definitely do not feel like I (David) can take any credit for making it happen.

Although I do also believe that certain practices can certainly lead to these mystical experiences. What practices work best? Watching the mind and its reactions without judgement. Not like a hawk. More like a relaxed taking in of a sunset.  That would be the main practice.

Key Takeaways For Why We Suffer In Life

• without pain and suffering we would’t know that we’re out of sync somehow
• note: I’m not talking about medical or physical conditions here. Yes, many times illness is caused by poor lifestyle choices. But the body also does what the body does. Illness is not always a sign that we are out of balance somehow. In this article, I'm discussing emotional resistance to what is. In my experience, dropping emotional resistance to pain in the body can also help a great deal with our potential to heal.
• without pain and suffering we wouldn’t be motivated to look deeper than the surface understanding of Life
• without suffering, Life would not have the same depth of meaning
• without suffering we wouldn’t be motivated to find out if there’s a way out of it
• without suffering we wouldn’t have compassion for others
• without pain or suffering we would never have the passion to discover the truth of our Being

Is There A Way To Reduce Or Even Eliminate Pain And Suffering?

We’ll always feel pain and hurt, frustration and loss in life. And there are many other factors such as genetics, lifestyle, the geographical location you were born into, etc.

Let's say you stub your toe. That hurts! But if you judge yourself and make yourself miserable about it, that's unnecessary suffering added on top.

The key to being free is to see through any self-created (unnecessary)suffering to the joy of being that is always there behind the noise in the mind. But how?

Watch Your Mind

Watch your mind. Notice how it's creating more suffering on top of what is already there in the form of stories, labels, assumptions, etc. Don’t judge yourself for it - that’s just more unnecessary problem making.

Watch how your pride needs to be right - even if it has to play victim in order to make the other person wrong. Sometimes people even end up hating the world and humanity in order to strengthen this mind made sense of self.

This practice takes enormous energy and honesty. In other words, pride can be the most challenging feeling of all to overcome.

But now we come full circle. With enough suffering, you become more willing to give up your pride. You actually start to look within for a solution. Remember: as above, so below. As within, so without.

You begin to notice where happiness actually is. Not in the world "out there" but just behind the mind in the fact that you ARE.  Notice that happiness is often brought forth by something spontaneous and simple? That's because your mind has temporarily gotten out of the way. The inherent goodness that is Life that is "hiding" behind the noise of the mind is revealed.

Is it possible to do take this step without emotional pain? Perhaps. But most of us need the pain to even notice something is wrong. And then to take the next step of realizing that the only thing we truly have any power over is our inner quality of being. 

There may come a time however, when this next step in the evolution of consciousness (as Eckhart Tolle calls it) doesn’t require suffering.

Further Reading:

In this post you’ll learn some highly effective but simple to use techniques to help you let go of control. I start the article by helping you understand how wanting to control works and where it comes from.

I’ll discuss some perspectives that will show you how trying to control things is actually counterproductive and never gives you what you really want.

Then I’ll talk about how when we're surrendered to what is, things seem to work out and our baseline of happiness is much higher.

I also briefly discuss some common misconceptions about what letting go of control is. Hint: It’s not “giving up" and it's definitely not about apathy or being passive.

Finally, I’ll outline several techniques and how you can use them to let go in your moment to moment experience of life.

The Mechanism Of Wanting To Control

Wanting to control the people and things around you is built into the conditioned human mind. When you’re completely identified with the egoic structures of the mind you feel separate and cut off from Life.

This feeling of being only a separate body and mind (me with my name and my “story”) with no depth or transcendent dimension creates psychological fear. We are afraid of “other” people and we're afraid of not being good enough.

We either need to protect ourselves from others for security or we need them to approve of us in order to feel safe.

All this connects back to needing to control people and situations. If we can somehow make them behave in certain ways,  perhaps we can get what we want. 

Next time you notice yourself trying to control someone, observe closely. Watch how they respond to you. Notice the sensations in your body and the feelings that are stirred up. See if you can feel how both of you are pushing against each other and blocking the flow of real communication.

Driving In Traffic

Another really simple example is with traffic. If you get cut off, you might blare your horn, curse and shout or simply mutter under your breath - but it all comes from wanting to change or control the event. 

Even if you're quiet and you don’t curse or mutter when cut off in traffic, there's a good chance you're suppressing your feelings about it. When this happens, it is so we can conform to whatever our idea of what is socially appropriate is. Or we might be afraid of conflict. 

This is not the same as letting something go.

Consider that by the time you either express or suppress from this place of resistance, the event has already happened — even though it was only a split second ago!

Because we’ve never directly looked at how this works, it continues to work automatically. This “auto mechanism” is useful for certain things we’ve learned like walking, driving our car and basic arithmetic. But when it becomes our default state of overall consciousness and identity, we’re in trouble. 

We believe that by using force we can get what we want and push away what we don’t want.

How is that working for you so far? I’m assuming not so well as you’ve read this far. In the next section, we'll look at how trying to control other people or situations actually works against you.

Why Wanting Control and Resistance Is  Counterproductive

The more you push against other people the more they push back. Have you ever noticed this?

Even if you’re bigger and stronger - or even right - and you use force to get your way, you’re not actually getting what you truly want. 

Consider that everything we do is because we want to be happy and at peace. Don’t just believe me on this. Sincerely examine your intentions and actions. I’m sure you’ll see that wanting happiness and peace is at the root of everything you do.

For example, if someone yells and screams at a person they "love," it's because they are trying to change that person so that they can then "love" them. 

This also means that when you are resisting life's flow and trying to control things, you can never truly be happy. 

Even when it seems that you do get what you want, you’re afraid you might lose it. Your white knuckled grip on life is choking the joy out of living.

It wreaks havoc in relationships and makes the people around you miserable.

Eventually, relationships will be destroyed. Even your health can be negatively impacted from the stress of trying to control things so much.

Trying To Control Puts The Brakes On Love and Wisdom

Control is the opposite of Love. Would you rather force someone to love you? (Incidentally, this is why “love spells” are considered to be a form of black magic). Or would you rather they love you because they want to love you of their own free will?

See what I mean? Force or manipulation is not Love. And love is what makes us happy. But wanting to control is going about things in the wrong way.

Love is a feeling of giving with no strings. Giving for the sake of freely giving. But wanting to control is about getting something.

Remember the root cause of why you want to control that we spoke about at the top of this post? It's because you identify completely with your physical body and psychological (ego) structure. This causes you to feel separate from others and from Life.

You are cut off from the deep inner knowing that we are all connected in this Web of Life. 

I’m not talking about understanding this intellectually. I’m talking about FEELING this connection. It’s an intuitive knowing as opposed to an intellectual concept. It’s not abstract. Every human being has this knowing “hardwired” in their heart - but since we have had it covered by layers upon layers of social conditioning, many have lost touch with it.

6 Benefits of Letting Go of Control and Surrendering to Life’s Flow

1. More energy and greater vitality for life.

It takes a lot of energy to try to control things. When it's released, it is then available for better things such as feeling gratitude and acceptance. This is what you’re actually unsuccessfully trying to accomplish by wanting to control!

2. Less fear of living and dying.

When you let go of wanting to control you weaken your identification with name and form. This makes it possible to feel your connection with the Invisible Eternity that is the source of your being. Not only that, but you feel this connection more frequently and with greater intensity.

3. Less resistance and inertia - especially in regard to goals.

Going for our goals or dreams brings up a lot of resistance. For this reason, many people don’t even bother. Or if they do, they’re often quite stressed out about it. Any apparent setback can halt us in our tracks. When we let go of wanting to control, we are more resistant to the inevitable challenges and setbacks involved in bringing our dreams to life.

4. More loving relationships.

Wanting to control other people is probably the biggest reason why relationships fail. How do you feel when someone tries to control you? On the other hand, when you allow someone to be the way that they are, they often do what you want simply because they want to! And even if they don’t, you’re still free of the stress caused by believing that they have to be different before you can love them.

5. When action is taken, it’s more powerful and effective.

When we act from control it’s usually in reaction to something from the past. This doesn’t usually lead to the most effective decisions or actions. When our mind is calm and clear we can better see what needs to be done or not done.

6. Greater baseline of happiness and freedom.

Everybody goes through cycles within cycles. Good hair days. Bad hair days. Things go wrong. We win some, we lose some. Our flux of attitudes and inner states of consciousness as these cycles unfold create our “baseline” of happiness. As we remember to let go and surrender to Universal Intelligence more consistently, our baseline of happiness greatly increases.

When I first met my wife many years ago, I knew deep inside that she was the one. But you know how intuitive knowings are — you don’t really “know” in a tangible way so there is still a lot of doubt and fear stirred up from the past. 

As we started to get to know each other, I realized that if she really was who I thought she was, I would need to get out of my own way.

I affirmed this every day by saying to my Higher Power “If she really is who I think she is, I surrender it to Your care and Guidance. I only want the Truth of this.” 

 I really felt this in my heart. It was a major experience of learning how to let go of control. And I'm so grateful that I was able to do so. Because despite having many obstacles and challenges to overcome in the beginning, we were brought together in a beautiful way. And I love her even more now these many years later.

Perhaps you’ve felt something similar. There's probably been a time in your life when you’ve said, “That’s it. I’ve had it. I give up!” And you spontaneously tapped into Higher Intelligence and got out of your own way. As you look back on this, can you see how things that had been stuck were then able to shift? 

When You Actually Don’t Want To — Or Can’t Seem To — Let Go.

This pattern of wanting control is so ingrained in the human collective that there are times that no matter how much you want to let go and forgive, you simply can't. 

How can you forgive the unforgivable?

But if you look closer, you'll see that it's because you really don’t want to.

That’s right. You don’t want to. Heresy, I know 🙂

Essentially what has happened when you're stuck like this is that your intelligent will has been hijacked. You are completely immersed in the thoughts and chemical reactions of your body-mind.

And it’s almost impossible to even remember that you can choose to let go of wanting to control. When this happens, just do your best.  Watch out for judging yourself harshly. This is just more ego. With practice you’ll remember more and more. 

This is why letting go -- or surrender, could be considered to be an art form.

It’s not really “you” remembering anyhow. It’s your essential nature - or Higher Self - remembering for you. Ego would never choose to remember the very thing that would mean it’s death as "the one who runs the show!"

A Deeper Sense of Self

Recall a time from your childhood or teenage years. Can you remember that this silent effortless awareness was the same then as now? It has always been there in the background of your life. But usually the noise of thought covers it up.

When we forget about this silent space or “witnessing Presence” we become completely identified with our thoughts.

Our thoughts are limited concepts and they are from the past. But when we get lost in them, we believe we are our thoughts.

Thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations are constantly changing like the weather — but our Presence/Awareness is like the spacious and changeless sky that the weather appears within.

This mind made sense of self is where the sense of isolation, walls and separation come from.

 Common Misconceptions About Practicing Surrender

“If I let go of control and surrender, won’t life and other people just push me around?”

Consider this perspective. Everything your mind perceives and understands is in “duality.” This means that we need opposites in order to understand to world around us. We perceive light as “light” because of it’s opposite - darkness. Same with up and down, male/female, hot/cold, hard/soft, etc. 

Of course there are degrees of this polarization which makes identifying particular things easier. For example, we identify an apple. Not only because it conforms to our saved image of an apple, but because it’s not an orange or a car or anything “not-apple.”

Because of this, whenever we want to be in control there is also an active polarity of wanting to be controlled. When you are resisting something you are also being controlled by it. Some say you’re “giving your power away” to it. Don’t just believe me — look into it for yourself next time (probably won’t be long) you want to control something or someone.

Therefore, whenever we let go of wanting to control, we let go of wanting to be controlled.

We are then free from our automatic reactions to act in a way that is more effective and appropriate. We can simply say “no” or “yes” accordingly. We are free from any concern about feeling obligated or overreacting to something minor.

“If I let go of control and practice surrender, how can I change things for the better?”

The most powerful place of change is from a place of acceptance of the present moment. This includes any uptight or emotional reactions that may be arising within you. 

Once we can be at peace with the present moment, we have more clarity to see if anything can be done moving forward. Our consciousness will be expanded instead of contracted. We’ll be able to see options that we couldn’t see when we were caught up in our reaction.

And then we’ll simply take one step in front of the other with whatever actions seem to make sense. Or maybe we’ll see that no external changes are actually necessary and that the only change that was necessary was in our perspective.

Here’s Another Way To Understand Control

Wanting to control and actually HAVING control are 2 different things. Whenever we’re resisting life and fighting with “what is” we are coming from a place of wanting to control.

If you look at this activity within yourself the next time you notice you’re resisting something, you’ll notice that it’s a WANTING to control - because you feel out of control.

When you want something it’s only because you don’t have it!

Instead of mentally and emotionally resisting Life, it’s far more effective to let go of the wanting. When you do this, you’ll discover that you already have control. 

How To Let Go of Control: Some Techniques

Ok, so we’ve talked about the mechanism of wanting to control, why it’s counterproductive and why letting go actually gives you what you truly want. 

Now I’ll share some powerful techniques for letting go of control and surrendering to Higher Intelligence.

1. Notice Whenever Wanting to Control Arises 

Just simply notice it whenever you can remember. Some people find it helpful to have a flash card around their home or in their wallet/purse as a reminder. Or on their phone. Whatever works for you is best.

This seems simple. BUT if you can remember to be honest and alert enough to notice when you are trying to control people or things, it will begin to soften - just through the conscious recognition.

Practice this for one day. 

Then practice it for the next day.

Then the next day.

Eventually, Awareness/Presence will do the practice for you.

2. Feel Your Feels and Breathe

You see this everywhere on social media. Feel your feels. What exactly does it mean? It does NOT mean to get lost in your feelings and whatever story is driving them. It does NOT mean wallowing in self pity.

It means to feel the sensations in your body. Usually with control programs there are sensations located somewhere in the torso or solar plexus area. 

As an added option, you can name the feeling.

It could be anger, lust, frustration, pride, etc. Don’t worry too much about getting it perfect. Just as close as you can name it will do. 

Then say “anger (or whatever you named) is here now.”  

By doing this, you are already beginning to break up any identification you have with the reaction.

Then place your attention on the sensations and breathe. If you know how to relax your diaphragm and "breathe into your belly" do that. If not, just do the best you can to relax with your breath. If you notice your attention getting swept away by the thought stream in your mind, refocus your attention on the sensations in your body and breathing.

In a few moments or minutes the feelings will begin to dissolve. Occasionally, tears or laughter may come up. That's just part of the release. Please don't think this is necessarily a "deeper release" - or that you have to have cry or laugh in order to let go! This is not necessary. More often, letting go is just a very subtle inner shift.

3. Self-Inquiry

The technique of self-inquiry (jnana yoga in the east, contemplation in the west) has been around for centuries. The version of this that I use, is a contemporary one from the Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin.

When you notice a feeling of wanting to control come up, ask yourself if you could welcome it into awareness as best you can. It’s already here, so might as well welcome it for now, right? It’s not a judgement call — it’s simply acknowledging that the feeling is here - and you can choose to allow it in this moment.

As a matter off fact, if you can fully welcome a feeling, it will spontaneously dissolve of it's own accord. And you don't need to do any more than this.  However, some feelings are "sticky" and need a bit more work. This is outlined below.

Note: Keep in mind this is a very simple outline of this technique. If you’re serious about this kind of work, I highly recommend either working with me one one one with my Let Go coaching or looking into the Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin for yourself. You can even start with their book as an initial low cost investment (not an affiliated link - just a friendly recommendation).

After welcoming the feeling as best you can, ask “could I let it go?”  This just simply means could you. In other words, are you at least open to the possibility? Pause for a few moments.

Then ask “if I could let it go, would I?” Answer “yes” or “no.” Whatever is true for you in that moment. It’s perfectly ok to say “no.” Would you simply means that if you could let it go, then would be willing to let it go?

Next, ask yourself, "when?" This is a cue that usually leads to a spontaneous release. How do you know that you let go? You'll notice you're beginning to feel lighter with the issue. Your breathing will be more relaxed and your shoulders will drop.

In most cases it's helpful to repeat the above steps for several rounds until you at least feel a sense of inner strength and courage about whatever issue was triggering your feelings.

Above all, be honest with whatever is true for you in your experience. Don't try to manipulate things so that you are forcing yourself to let go. It's a choice. And like most things, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

This method is very powerful. Possibly the most powerful method I’ve ever encountered — particularly on “sticky” issues. I can honestly say that in my many years of practicing this, I’ve never had anything that I wasn’t ultimately able to let go of - or at least soften the energy around — even when it’s been a deep loss. 

I use this method of self-inquiry to facilitate transformation (along with other modalities and perspectives I’ve practiced and developed over the years) when I work with people in my one on one sessions.

4. Presence

This is probably my favourite method -- although it's not really a method or technique. It's simply coming back to the fact that letting go of trying to control is a choice. You see the distortion created by your mind and you make the choice to drop it. Just like you would drop something hot. In some ways this is the most advanced approach and needs to be worked up to. But it could potentially work for anyone at anytime. 

There's probably been a time in your life where you just got fed up with something and decided then and there to drop it. That's it! Except now, the practice is to do this more consistently and consciously.

Once you see through and through that trying to control the "totality" of the present moment is not only futile, but brings you further away from what you really want -- peace and happiness -- you simply let it go in real time.

This frees you to be more authentic and powerful. You aren't afraid to say "no," and you aren't afraid of others saying "no" or disagreeing with your opinions and beliefs. You are free to express yourself in an authentic and vulnerable way without being overwhelmed by feelings of being out of control.

Sometimes, you may still feel down but you are still in touch with the peace and happiness at the core of Being. For example, within the past 2 years, I unexpectedly lost my father and also our family cat of 17 years. That kind of loss brings up intense grief and sadness. And in these cases, it is entirely appropriate!

However, because of being connected with Presence, the feelings of grief were able to be processed relatively quickly and they caused far less potential damage to my mental and physical health.

Sure, I still had many times where I would sob and weep! The difference is that I wasn't overwhelmed with the feelings. I wasn't afraid of them. I was (mostly) able to allow them to flow through me and express them in the ways that were appropriate with family members.

Because of this, I was able to be an authentic support with members of my family. This in turn helped them to deal with whatever grief they were experiencing.

I knew in a silent way that goes beyond the limitations of the human mind's concepts and conditioning, that my father and Garcia (our cat) were one with me in Presence. Where could they go? There is only Life. There only IS.

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